If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice

I haven't blogged in a while.  Again.  Actually I suppose I shouldn't be too hard on myself, I've only been doing the blog thing for three weeks.  I am, though, disappointed with myself that I'm not blogging every day.  I'm a little bit obsessive/compulsive and a little bit perfectionist, which is not a great blogging personality.  If it's not good by my standards, I don't want to post it.  I really need to go back to the promise I made to myself years ago....  write it down.  Just record it.  It may not be poetic, it may not be Pulitzer prize material, but it's me.  That should be worth something.

So, I'm wandering aimlessly again.  My life will gain focus in fits and starts, and off I go....and then I'll lose it as quickly as it was gained.  It's not for lack of motivation, or lack of interest, but more because life is just so darn overwhelming.  A few years ago a very dear friend said of me, "You feel everything".  She's right.  Someone else's pain is my pain.  My pain is my pain.  Hell, I cried when I saw a tree on fire, I could feel the sadness.  I just feel.  Sometimes it's just too much.

It begs the question for me, would I be better off not feeling?  Would I turn off feeling if I were able?  I've known people over the years who seemed callus, or harsh, or unfeeling, and they appeared happy as clams.  Narcissistic clams.  Now, 20 years later, they're still the same harsh, selfish people I used to know.  While I find myself a very different person now, for better or worse, those happy clams are still, for the most part, happy clams.  Adding a very important caveat, these same people have also appeared to me to be in need of some heavy duty therapy.  But who am I to judge?  If it's working for them, well then Mazel Tov.

I envy them at times.  Or, specifically, I envy the ability to turn it all off.  They exist in a completely different world than I, and that world seems so simple.  My ex-roommate said once, "I just gotta be me!", right before he stumbled down the street to a local bar, ran up a tab using our address, and then moved out the next week.  I, being who I've always been, paid the tab.  I guess we were both fulfilling our destinies, he, the happy clam, and me, the fixer of problems. 

Thankfully, I still have a lot of growing to do, which I guess is the beauty (or curse) of feeling.  I'm at a junction in my life, I have before me an infinite number of paths.  It's not as simple as choosing "the road less taken", which is great in poetry (and one of my favorites!), it's a matter of keeping it going.  It's about making a choice right now....and then right now....and then right now....  Each choice leads to a set of infinite choices, which leads to another set of infinite choices....  And this is life.  Or, this is life as I see it.  It's not one day at a time, it's one moment at a time.  I chose to start writing a blog, then I chose to keep typing....  I may, I MAY make the choice to post it.

So, what was I saying?  Oh yea, feeling.  I feel too much.  I've also been told that I think too much.  Go figure.