First, some self-shaming is in order. It's been two years since I've blogged. My life has sucked, loved ones have died, another is in the battle for his life, someone close to me betrayed my trust and killed my faith in humankind. So just the usual. You know how it is when things get overwhelming and it's just too much to think. It's easier to retreat to that place that's beyond thought where routine takes over.
Sometimes, though, thoughts manage to seep into my daily life and sometimes it's not too overwhelming to let them in, so on those rare instances, I'll let them. And then in an ever increasingly rare moment, I'll write it down. I'm not sure why today's the day but I'll go with it.
I've had a recurring thought lately, not one that's keeping me awake at night, necessarily, but it's still something that makes me stop and be quiet and listen to my brain for a while.
When I was younger, in my 20's and 30's, I would amuse myself with the thought of people "having regrets". There were catch-phrases floating around that were moronically overused, the obvious one in particular that amused me the most was "no regrets". I thought it was the dumbest thing anyone could say, who would possibly have regrets? All you have to do is do what you want to do, be happy, live your life. Duh! Come on, old people, get your shit together already!
And then I hit my 40's.
What I've realized, with wisdom come regrets.
I mean the kind of wisdom that can only come with experience, and the experience that can only come with age. So, therefore, as one ages, one has regrets. It's like some magic life algebraic equation. Well, fuck.
I don't regret never having jumped out of an airplane (oh HELL NO!), or not climbing the Himalayas (again, nope!). My regrets are small, haunting little bastards. Moments missed. I wish I'd made that phone call to Mary and talked to her one last time before she died. I wish I'd recorded all of those long, boring stories my grandfather used to tell so I could hear them all again. I wish I'd let my dog die peacefully in her home instead of rushing her to the emergency vet where she died. I should have hugged that 3 year old who was having a meltdown instead of getting frustrated. I should have been nicer, more patient, more generous, more understanding, a better listener, a better friend... those Himalayas don't seem so tall now....
So I'm not saying that one shouldn't live his or her life to the fullest, you absolutely should. Dance in the rain, ride the roller coaster, try the extra hot pepper sauce. Get shit-faced drunk at least once. Fall in love, fall out of love, then fall in love with someone better. Take vacations. Travel the world. Life will happen and it will hit you hard, no matter how prepared you think you are, and there will be plenty of things to regret. So don't end up regretting the easy things.
Ripple by the Grateful dead. Because it's one of the best songs ever written.
If my words did glow with the gold of sunshine
And my tunes were played on the harp unstrung,
Would you hear my voice come through the music?
Would you hold it near as it were your own?
It's a hand-me-down, the thoughts are broken,
Perhaps they're better left unsung.
I don't know, don't really care
Let there be songs to fill the air.
Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.
Reach out your hand if your cup be empty,
If your cup is full may it be again,
Let it be known there is a fountain,
That was not made by the hands of men.
There is a road, no simple highway,
Between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone.
Ripple in still water,
When there is no pebble tossed,
Nor wind to blow.
You, who choose to lead, must follow
But if you fall you fall alone.
If you should stand then who's to guide you?
If I knew the way I would take you home.
