The days, they pass so quickly now. The nights are seldom long.

Well, I've blogged two days in a row now, it's my new personal best!

Last night I was thinking about what the hell I'm actually going to blog about.  It's not like my life is interesting.  On a good day I could maybe describe it as being a notch above boring.  It just is what it is.  I get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, get up... you get the picture. 

I don't really know what I did to end up here.  I graduated high school with average grades, went to college, went to grad school...  I did everything I thought I was supposed to do.  And I'm still doing that.  I guess I need to stop here and say that I'm not disappointed in my life.  I don't have regrets.  I don't wish I had majored in something else, I don't wish I had married someone else.  I'm just living a very standard, white bread life.  For the most part, I like it like that.

I do miss, though, the carefree childhood days of no responsibilities.  I know everyone, at some point in their lives, gets to this place.  They start to look back and think about how their lives used to be.  I'm not exempt from nostalgia.  I do miss the feeling of freedom when I would ride my bike as fast as I could make it go, no helmet, no elbow or knee pads, the wind whipping my long hair in front of my face, blinding me for split seconds.  I didn't care.  I didn't think to care.  I wasn't worried about falling, or crashing, or hurting myself, and I certainly wasn't worried about looking stupid, or making a fool out of myself.  I was on my bike, going fast, and that's what mattered at that moment.  It was the best feeling in the world!

So, I guess I'm not nostalgic for the things I did, or for the people I knew, it's more about missing the "me" that I was then.  I was carefree.  I didn't know that pain hurts.  I didn't know that hospital bills can cause you to lose your house.  I wasn't concerned about the critical, judgmental, and oftentimes malicious opinions of others.  I was just being me.  I miss that.

I wrote a poem years ago.  It was written when I was young and confident, and just down right cocky at times.  I miss being cocky most of all!  I made a promise to myself when I was a kid, I would write everything down.  Even if it sucked.  I would write it as-is, and I would not go back again and rewrite it.  My words were me, at that moment in time.  I'm grateful for them now.  There I go being nostalgic again.

Written December 25, 1987.  I was 21 years old.

I think I'm getting better at being me.
I've always been me
at least as far as I can remember me.
Even when I wasn't me, I was me,
And I've always been good at being me
Even when I was the bad me.
I've always been me.
Even if I didn't know who me was.
I've always tried to be me
Even when people didn't like me.
I've always understood me
Even when I couldn't understand why I'm me.
I've always wanted to be me
Even when I didn't know me.
I've always cared for me
Especially when the caring wasn't for me.
I've always trusted me
Even when people didn't trust in me.
I've tried to be the me I thought I should be.
I think I'm getting better at being me.